starving while working.

It's been awhile since my last post and probably awhile again till my next one but anyways.....


Some time ago there was a commercial on tv (not sure if it's still on) where they show a person opening a can of food or turning on a light and then thier house dissappears with and ending message that said: most people can't afford to pay for a roof over thier head and food at the same time.

Even though I'm probably not explaining it correctly, the fact is, for the past four years I have been in this situation where I came barely afford living in my apartment and feed myself properly. for four years, I have starved limiting myself to one meal a day with the odd time of skipping a day without food altogether. The grocery store I work at is my sole source of income and in the town I live in, you really can't get a job with out a drivers license or a "smart serve" license (to serve alcohol) and I can get neither without money. Recently as people have left in my department my hours have increased and I believed that things will be better. However before I go any further, I feel I should point out that since I don't eat enough my work performance has dropped substantially (the speed I worked at). After four years of suffering from my forced diet, and only now with my hours picking up do the managers of the store decide to put me under review, taking away my hope of a better life.

I have talked to my department boss and told him how I lived while working at the store and he shrugged it off as if I was being lazy and just didn't feel like working. He even gave me a veiled threat telling me that he would transfer me to another section where I would only recieve at best ten hours during peak season otherwise I'd only see five hours every two weeks. He told me this after I informed him of my poor financial status.

I know that I havn't been working as fast as my coworkers but my customer service and displays are better than most others. It's just hard to work as fast as they want me to when at the back of my mind I'm wondering if I will have enough energy to get up in the morning and work at full tilt through the day where my meal for the day would be considered a snack to others. During the christmas season I was a recipient of the instore draw for a box full of food. When I saw it I broke down crying so happy that I would have food that would last ME a month. those few boxes of food was the best christmas present I ever recieved. I would rate it better than than any free trip, free car, or whatever electronic toy that may exist. I was just so happy to be able to eat.

I also know that whoever reads this probably knows someone else who's worse off than me but to those who don't know what it's like to starve in this way then try to imagine going through the day with the constant reminder in your stomach that you are hungry. Even after you eat you are still hungry. You go to bed hungry. You wake up hungry. Whatever you do eat only makes you feel worse and spurns your hunger moreso. You want to do your best but the more you work, the more tired you feel. The longer you go without eating you'll feel like you want to throw up. I work and live like this, tired and hungry. It's made worse since I work in a grocery store. I work and starve to keep a roof over my head in a place that taunts me constantly with the abundance of food literally at my fingertips.

My boss doesn't care, only being concrened of the numbers his department projects for the company. He showed no sympathy, no understanding, and no desire to help in any way and expressed a desire to put me in a worse position in the store.

I understand that if I want to get more money I need to move faster but after four years of hunger being on the edge of total starvation has hurt me in ways I can't describe.